I wish we'd had more time

A couple years ago I came across a picture on Facebook, posted on a friend of a friend's page.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  There was my oldest brother Brett in full color, in a picture I'd never seen before of him.  He is the one in the yellow shirt, front row on the left.

The year was 1979.  He must have been 16 or just turned 17.  These were his friends from Wickenburg High, where I would eventually graduate six years later.  There are 3 other guys I recognize, the rest I don't know.  They look like a bunch of teenagers hanging out in their own space, goofing off, building a fire, having fun.  Maybe it was a late summer night, that summer before we moved back to London, where Brett would graduate from high school the following May.  Maybe they talked about being seniors the next year, summer crushes, or dreams after high school.  Brett had big dreams of flying, like Dad.

But a year and a half later he was gone.  His plane went down one cold January day when the wings iced up and the plane got too heavy, and crashed on the way to the Grand Canyon with his flight instructor, his instructor's brother, and the brother's 2 sons.  Just 18.

We lost Brett that day, January 12, 1981.  The other family lost 4.  All of our lives were changed forever.

Honestly I wasn't close to him.  We were 6 years apart.  I have a few memories, but most are lost.  But I wish we'd had more time.  To grow up, to grow together.  To not feel the distance in our ages as we aged into adults.  To find out the things we had in common and the values we both embraced.  To learn from each other, laugh with each other, lean on each other.  I wish.

But I have a hope, deeper than deep, that someday I will see him again.  Standing next to Dad, my Aunt Essie, my sister-in-law Rachel, and others yet to be known, they will welcome me into heaven's dwelling with smiles and open arms.  And our time will have just begun.

Thank you Jesus for that hope.

17 Years

Seventeen years ago today I became Mrs. Hamilton.

 

 

The wedding was filled with beautiful words of wisdom and encouragement.  So many family members flew or drove in from other parts of the country.  We were so blessed to have so many loved ones there.

 

  

It wasn't until weeks later when I looked at this picture that I realized I did not take my bouquet back from my maid of honor after we exchanged our rings.  Every time I look at it I think something is missing, but by the look on my face I don't care.  In my mind I can still hear James Brown's "I Feel Good" blaring through the church.

I love this picture of my brother and my father.  Not real indicative of their relationship as a whole, but a wonderful moment of fun for both.  I imagine my aunt, who was the photographer, had said something silly to lighten them up.

Our reception was beautiful and filled with fun, dancing, food, beauty, laughter, family and friends.  My one big regret was that I was so busy with pictures and the whole agenda that I didn't slow down to really sit with the guests that came.  If we ever renew our vows I will do it differently next time.
 

 

This is one of my favorite pictures of my Dad & me.  There aren't that many, considering I was 40 years old when he passed away.  But I can see the pride in his joy that his little girl grew up and became a wife. 

 

We left in a limousine, and caught a plane the next morning to Maui for an amazing week.  We said we would go back for our 5 year anniversary, but by then we had a 2 year old and I was pregnant with our daughter.  We haven't gone back yet, but I imagine someday we will.

In 17 years we've grown from just the two of us to a family of five.  When I think back on those early years I can't believe how immature we both were!  Even in our mid-20s we didn't know how to communicate or deal with problems, and neither of us had much direction.  We soon realized that each of us had expectations that we didn't even know we had (can anyone relate?).  I'm so glad we are past those days!  We both have grown so much in wisdom and maturity since then, and for that I am thankful.  I would say our marriage is the best it has ever been today.

Here's to another 17!  Wow...by then we will be empty nesters...and possibly grandparents!  I wouldn't want to live it with anybody else. 

In the very near future

...hopefully I will be having fun with this

Today I got a killer deal on a sweet desk for what will soon be my "creative space" in our basement guest room.  Soon I'll have an organized work station of sorts to let my creative juices flow.

I bought a Silhouette a little over a year ago and never used it beyond a few small cuts.  I'm looking forward to using it to its full potential.

It's been too long (months) since I've had a creative streak and it's time to get that engine started once again.

Run Like A Mother

Today while waiting for my oldest at the orthodontist I decided to start reading one of my Christmas presents.

I've gotten about 3 chapters into it and I feel a motivation I haven't felt in quite a while.  I've been wanting/thinking/planning to start running for about...hmmm...I guess 2 years now.  I know, lame.  I bought shoes and the whole runner's outfit and even an iPod armband.  I was prepared, but I never quite followed through.  Oh I went out a few times, but then I did something to my hip that caused me great pain and needless to say lack of motivation.  So I haven't been running since.

But when I think about being a runner -- and all the discipline, sweat, and physical benefits it brings with it -- I want to be one.  To say, "yeah, I'm a runner" -- like it's a badge of honor, an earned title, part of an identity.  You can't say that unless you, like, run frequently.  You can't say that if you run once every 6 months.  To say "I'm a runner" means you have a certain level of discipline that gets you out of bed at 5:30 in the morning, or determination that pushes you to put your running shoes on after a day at work.  Frequently.  

The book is written by two women who run together.  One of them writes this:

"I don't doubt myself in tough situations because I am a runner.  I feel almost invincible because I'm a runner.  I have amazing friends...because I'm a runner.  I have the guts to set seemingly impossible goals and then methodically work toward them because I'm a runner... I know how to keep on keeping on, even when I'm sure I've got nothing left to give, because I'm a runner."

This alone makes me want to be a runner.  Even if I never told anybody about my mad discipline skills, just to feel the empowerment she describes would be worth all of it.

I'm going to run.

What will you gain when you lose?

I like the new Special K campaign. They are trying to change a paradigm, to flip over a typical perspective about wanting to lose weight.  A challenge is made to the viewer, to not think about how much you need to lose, but what you will actually gain once you do lose the weight.  The focus is on what is up ahead, beyond the hurdles and the hard work.  What is the reward?

This has got me thinking in other areas too...mostly what will I gain if I lose FEAR? Fear in one form or another keeps me from many things that I could gain a lot from.  Relationships.  Success.  New experiences. 

It can disguise itself as procrastination, laziness, apathy.  But in the end, it's really fear.  At least with me it is.

What if I began this new year with the resolve to lose my fear?  What would I gain?  I may gain some losses, some hurt pride, some pain.  But I could also gain great friendships, deeper relationships, amazing experiences and unforgettable memories.  I could gain a life rich with risk taking and learning and depth.  Life could get very exciting and unpredictable. 

Sounds good to me.

So on this New Year's Day my only resolution, or goal, or change, or whatever you want to call it, is to live without fear.  I know this is not a one-step process, but I want to commit to taking that first step and each thereafter.

I was taking down all of our Christmas decorations today, and I decided to snap a picture of my Christmas wish to all my friends and family, and myself as well I guess.  After all, it is a good wish and I wouldn't mind it being true for myself. 

Peace.  In our hearts, in our minds.  In our relationships. 

Peace to you and Happy New Year!

I've already failed

One of my New Year's goals was to write a post every day, but obviously I'm not going to make that one because I didn't get around to writing one on the 1st. Oh well. Hey, at least now the pressure is off, right?

Yeah, right.

Well here's a list of questions that was fun and insightful to answer. It's good to just stop and make yourself think sometimes. Write down a thought instead of having it be just a wispy, shapeless blob floating around your brain.

Here goes.

Reflection Questions for 2009

What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

going on a road trip with my family

What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

life without dad

What was an unexpected joy this past year?

having Christmas in Halstead

What was an unexpected obstacle?

dealing with a relationship fallout, emotionally & mentally

Pick three words to describe 2009.

I’m growing up

Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2009 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

pursuing purposeful parenting

Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2009 (again, without asking).

working, traveling, camping

What were the best books you read this year?

Celebration of Discipline

Bird by Bird

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

With whom were your most valuable relationships?

Wade, my children, Suzette, Janet

What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

becoming confident and comfortable in who I am as a person and a parent

In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

I’m learning to put things in a more mature perspective

In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

making my relationship with God more personal, and less concerned about what it looks like to others

In what way(s) did you grow physically?

very little! didn’t really gain/lose anything. hopefully that will change this year

In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

trying to be more constructive, less critical

What was the most enjoyable area of managing your home?

finding ways to cut costs and pay down debt

What was your most challenging area of home management?

homeschooling, and organizing

What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

wasting time on the internet

What was the best way you used your time this past year?

investing in building character and good habits in the kids

What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?

small steps, small choices, every day, will add up to big changes

Create a phrase or statement that describes 2009 for you.

It was a year of growing up and moving forward

Wishing you a happy, healthy, and exciting 2010!

Let it snow!

After a day of watching the wind & rain from the comfort of our cozy couch, me and the kids jumped in the van and made a spontaneous trip out to Red Rock.  This is what we found.